God has shown many several times already that I can't control anything. I planned my life. I wanted to finish school before I got married, I wanted to have my wedding before I had kids. I wanted to get pregnant right after our wedding when my husband and I started trying 2.5 years ago.
On my first year of trying naturally I cried every single month (after the first 3) that I would see 1 line on a test and even after seeing that 1 line I would cry again after my period showed up. Getting pregnant not only became my dream but my obsession.
I felt as if something was just not right. My cycle changed right after I got married and plus I gained a lot of weight in a short period of time, I had cystic acne and most importantly, I was not getting pregnant. So after 6 months of trying naturally I told my husband that we needed to get checked. During those stressful times I turned to makeup which safe my sanity and became my new obsession and a way for me to de-stress. We found out my hubby has poor morphology and I had mild pcos. Our doctor at that time said no need to continue trying naturally with my husbands poor morphology and to move on straight to ivf.
I told my husband that I wanted to continue trying naturally and we can start thinking about ivf in another 6 months if things didn't work out. During that time I bought an ovulation monitor and he bought supplements. Then came January and 6 months had passed. We went to our 1st ivf consult and started our 1st ivf round 1 year ago in March. We thought that this was it. We would finally have a baby!! We only ended with 2 blasts and it ended in a miscarriage. Oh and how devastated, heartbroken, and empty did I feel. I questioned God, how dare he give me that happiness to then take it away in an instant. I resented him.
Then we started getting ready for ivf round 2. Only had 1 blast and resulted in a failed cycle. Another thing that didn't go my way. I was beaten down. We should have had a baby girl in our arms by now who was almost 3 months old. Things were not going my way.
I was not at peace at all. Hated the way I felt and needed to feel God and have trust in him and his timing.
So then I turned to him and my faith has made me so much more stronger and so much more at peace.
We started our third round, the most potent Ivf protocol, used as a last resort - the MicroFlare Protocol and we also added HGH to the mix.
Everything looked great and retrieved 23 eggs!! More than doubled my other 2 rounds combined. So we get the fertilization resort the next day and only 6 fertilized normally. I was a little down because it was from 23 eggs and 18 mature but I felt ok. 5 days later and we get the final call of how many made it to blasts and we had 2 that were graded not too well. I was a little sad and had to let my emotions comes out because I am only human.
The day of transfer, April 1st 2015, I go in to my clinic and I am ready to have my embabies back home. The doctor comes in and first thing I noticed was that in the paper he had on his hands, there was a picture only 1 embryo. He turns around and tells me that my other embryo did not survive the thaw. I put this entire thing in Gods hands and if 1 embryo was what he wanted me to transfer than 1 embryo it was. Fast forward to 9 days later, today and I get the call that it is again another failed cycle.
After that devastating call, I did what every women on this journey does after receiving this kind of news and I cried.
I threw things to the floor while I just let that pain out. I asked why? Why after 3 rounds?
My husband questioned the embryologist? I probably saw blood after my catheter was removed after my embryo was supposedly transferred, my husband had doubts. When things like this happen we always tend to try to find blame on someone. When it probably just wasn't our time, again.
We do not know what to do now. We might even switch doctors or just switch clinics and get a second opinion.
What I can tell you is that I did not want to go through a second round of ivf, nor did I want to go through a third round of ivf, and I don't want to go through a 4th. Just saying that breaks my heart.
In three rounds I've only had 4 embryos in total to transfer. Oh and lets not forget the fact that I am now considered a special case. Ok blood work, good antral follicle counts, beautiful uterus, but very poor egg quality.
My infertility journey continues, as much as this saddens me, it is the truth. I need to put what happened in the past and move on. Where I may go, I don't know.
<3 Gigi
On my first year of trying naturally I cried every single month (after the first 3) that I would see 1 line on a test and even after seeing that 1 line I would cry again after my period showed up. Getting pregnant not only became my dream but my obsession.
I felt as if something was just not right. My cycle changed right after I got married and plus I gained a lot of weight in a short period of time, I had cystic acne and most importantly, I was not getting pregnant. So after 6 months of trying naturally I told my husband that we needed to get checked. During those stressful times I turned to makeup which safe my sanity and became my new obsession and a way for me to de-stress. We found out my hubby has poor morphology and I had mild pcos. Our doctor at that time said no need to continue trying naturally with my husbands poor morphology and to move on straight to ivf.
I told my husband that I wanted to continue trying naturally and we can start thinking about ivf in another 6 months if things didn't work out. During that time I bought an ovulation monitor and he bought supplements. Then came January and 6 months had passed. We went to our 1st ivf consult and started our 1st ivf round 1 year ago in March. We thought that this was it. We would finally have a baby!! We only ended with 2 blasts and it ended in a miscarriage. Oh and how devastated, heartbroken, and empty did I feel. I questioned God, how dare he give me that happiness to then take it away in an instant. I resented him.
Then we started getting ready for ivf round 2. Only had 1 blast and resulted in a failed cycle. Another thing that didn't go my way. I was beaten down. We should have had a baby girl in our arms by now who was almost 3 months old. Things were not going my way.
I was not at peace at all. Hated the way I felt and needed to feel God and have trust in him and his timing.
So then I turned to him and my faith has made me so much more stronger and so much more at peace.
We started our third round, the most potent Ivf protocol, used as a last resort - the MicroFlare Protocol and we also added HGH to the mix.
Everything looked great and retrieved 23 eggs!! More than doubled my other 2 rounds combined. So we get the fertilization resort the next day and only 6 fertilized normally. I was a little down because it was from 23 eggs and 18 mature but I felt ok. 5 days later and we get the final call of how many made it to blasts and we had 2 that were graded not too well. I was a little sad and had to let my emotions comes out because I am only human.
The day of transfer, April 1st 2015, I go in to my clinic and I am ready to have my embabies back home. The doctor comes in and first thing I noticed was that in the paper he had on his hands, there was a picture only 1 embryo. He turns around and tells me that my other embryo did not survive the thaw. I put this entire thing in Gods hands and if 1 embryo was what he wanted me to transfer than 1 embryo it was. Fast forward to 9 days later, today and I get the call that it is again another failed cycle.
After that devastating call, I did what every women on this journey does after receiving this kind of news and I cried.
I threw things to the floor while I just let that pain out. I asked why? Why after 3 rounds?
My husband questioned the embryologist? I probably saw blood after my catheter was removed after my embryo was supposedly transferred, my husband had doubts. When things like this happen we always tend to try to find blame on someone. When it probably just wasn't our time, again.
We do not know what to do now. We might even switch doctors or just switch clinics and get a second opinion.
What I can tell you is that I did not want to go through a second round of ivf, nor did I want to go through a third round of ivf, and I don't want to go through a 4th. Just saying that breaks my heart.
In three rounds I've only had 4 embryos in total to transfer. Oh and lets not forget the fact that I am now considered a special case. Ok blood work, good antral follicle counts, beautiful uterus, but very poor egg quality.
My infertility journey continues, as much as this saddens me, it is the truth. I need to put what happened in the past and move on. Where I may go, I don't know.
<3 Gigi