This was one of the hardest things that I have ever been through, loosing my baby. Loosing a pregnancy/baby that was already so loved and so wanted by not just her parents, but by her entire family. And there I was, feeling as if I had died after the phone call about my numbers dropping lit a fire to my heart each time and every second.
The next day I called out of work, I would kick my mother out of my house while my husband HAD to work. It was just me with my tears, my empty womb, and this pregnancy test. My first ever positive pregnancy test after so many negative one prior to this one. With this one I cried tears of joy instead of sadness like all the other ones.
The loss of my pregnancy destroyed my faith. I felt so let down by God, by his promise to me. Then I would think about my husband, and I felt angry at me, because I carried his first baby but his first baby also stopped growing in my womb. I felt as if I had let him down. I didn't want to look at him. He told me that I had to stop feeling this way and know that everything happens for a reason and that we are in this together. That we are both mourning the loss of our precious miracle and that some day, God will give us that gift, on his own time. That was all I needed to hear, 3 days later after what felt like death, I got up and cried for forgiveness but also cried for healing and for time because I knew that it will take a while for me to get my faith back up there.
The following week I met with my doctor and we discussed the next protocol. I bought supplements to help and my next round was going to start in less than 2 months. I had stronger doses compared to last time and we used Lupron this time. Continued to use Follistim and Menopur but with higher doses. Although feeling low on faith, I felt positive. I had to do 3 trigger shots because my levels after the first 2 didn't go up as high as they should.
Here came retrieval for the second time and what I prayed would be the last. I woke up from the anesthesia crying because I wanted this to be over and for my husband and I to get good news. The doctor came in with a number written on that same clipboard. It read the number 12. I tried to not get discouraged but my first round I had 11 although its the quality that counts, not the quality. That night after retrieval I thought that I was going to die from the intense pain I had every time I had to urinate. My husband didn't know what to do but to hug my from my back while I leaned forwards in excruciating pain. All I kept saying while I was crying was that I don't want to go through this again, I don't know if I was crying more because of the pain or because of the fear of this round not working. My husband called my clinics emergency number and I spoke with the doctor. The doctor said the pain is normal and its because I was on a higher dose of meds. She said to take something stronger and I finally started to feel better.
The next day I waited anxiously for the fertilization report. Recap from first round: 11 retrieved, 7 mature, 2 fertilized normal and made it to day 5. This round it was 12 eggs retrieved, 10 mature, and only 3 fertilized normal. All I could think of was that this was way too similar to my first round. I continued to wait till day 5, on day 5 I was told that 1 stopped growing and that they were waiting for the other 2 to become blasts. The next day I go in and I was told that 1 of my embabies stopped growing and they only had 1 to transfer. The 2ww was emotional because this little embaby was all I had and my only chance.
The next day I called out of work, I would kick my mother out of my house while my husband HAD to work. It was just me with my tears, my empty womb, and this pregnancy test. My first ever positive pregnancy test after so many negative one prior to this one. With this one I cried tears of joy instead of sadness like all the other ones.
The loss of my pregnancy destroyed my faith. I felt so let down by God, by his promise to me. Then I would think about my husband, and I felt angry at me, because I carried his first baby but his first baby also stopped growing in my womb. I felt as if I had let him down. I didn't want to look at him. He told me that I had to stop feeling this way and know that everything happens for a reason and that we are in this together. That we are both mourning the loss of our precious miracle and that some day, God will give us that gift, on his own time. That was all I needed to hear, 3 days later after what felt like death, I got up and cried for forgiveness but also cried for healing and for time because I knew that it will take a while for me to get my faith back up there.
The following week I met with my doctor and we discussed the next protocol. I bought supplements to help and my next round was going to start in less than 2 months. I had stronger doses compared to last time and we used Lupron this time. Continued to use Follistim and Menopur but with higher doses. Although feeling low on faith, I felt positive. I had to do 3 trigger shots because my levels after the first 2 didn't go up as high as they should.
Here came retrieval for the second time and what I prayed would be the last. I woke up from the anesthesia crying because I wanted this to be over and for my husband and I to get good news. The doctor came in with a number written on that same clipboard. It read the number 12. I tried to not get discouraged but my first round I had 11 although its the quality that counts, not the quality. That night after retrieval I thought that I was going to die from the intense pain I had every time I had to urinate. My husband didn't know what to do but to hug my from my back while I leaned forwards in excruciating pain. All I kept saying while I was crying was that I don't want to go through this again, I don't know if I was crying more because of the pain or because of the fear of this round not working. My husband called my clinics emergency number and I spoke with the doctor. The doctor said the pain is normal and its because I was on a higher dose of meds. She said to take something stronger and I finally started to feel better.
The next day I waited anxiously for the fertilization report. Recap from first round: 11 retrieved, 7 mature, 2 fertilized normal and made it to day 5. This round it was 12 eggs retrieved, 10 mature, and only 3 fertilized normal. All I could think of was that this was way too similar to my first round. I continued to wait till day 5, on day 5 I was told that 1 stopped growing and that they were waiting for the other 2 to become blasts. The next day I go in and I was told that 1 of my embabies stopped growing and they only had 1 to transfer. The 2ww was emotional because this little embaby was all I had and my only chance.
This is the beautiful embryo I transferred. Compared to last time the quality was better, a 6BB, compared to the 5CC and the 6CB I had transferred. Every day past transfer I felt pinching and pain until 4 days past 5 day transfer. So I started feeling as if I was out. My beta was 8DP5DT and on 7 days past I caved in and took a pregnancy test just because I felt that negative about the next days beta test. I took the test and sure enough it was a negative. My husband over the phone said that he still had faith that tomorrow beta will be positive and so did I. But we were wrong, this cycle was a failed cycle. I cried and again I felt that anger.
We met with our RE about 2 weeks later and she said that this is happening because of my poor egg quality. My levels and my ultrasound do not correlate with the results we are getting from IVF which makes me a special case that they have never seen before. She said that we can always use donor eggs and I mentioned that I was not ready for that, and that if I was pregnant once using my own eggs I know that it will happen for us. She told me that the next protocol we would be using Human Growth Hormone.
When I get home I of course google HGH and found little info out there and read that this is given to women who are poor responders and with low egg quality who are usually older than 40. I at that time was 26 years old. Imagine how I felt. Not only did I was consider a "special case" but I was going to be put on the most intense ivf protocol that's out there and that it is usually given to women who are about 15 years older than I was.
I want this child so bad, I love this child so bad that I am willing to do anything and everything that I can to help my chances. So the next days after the negative beta I spent $200 worth of supplements and I have been taking them eve since. I recently started acupuncture which is not covered by my current insurance and that about $80 a week ($200 first consultation). My husband and I also recently came back from Mexico. We are trying to be less stress, enjoying us, while getting ready for the 3rd and FINAL round of IVF. I am also going to the gym and eating healthier. I have lost a total of 10 pounds and am planning to loose another 10 before our next round.
My faith is getting stronger little by little. My husband and I are planning to go to church tomorrow for the first time in a very long time. I know that this will help me find peace, heal my relationship with GOD, and strengthen my faith while becoming a stronger individual.
Thank you for taking your time and reading my blog.
Love Always,
Gissell
We met with our RE about 2 weeks later and she said that this is happening because of my poor egg quality. My levels and my ultrasound do not correlate with the results we are getting from IVF which makes me a special case that they have never seen before. She said that we can always use donor eggs and I mentioned that I was not ready for that, and that if I was pregnant once using my own eggs I know that it will happen for us. She told me that the next protocol we would be using Human Growth Hormone.
When I get home I of course google HGH and found little info out there and read that this is given to women who are poor responders and with low egg quality who are usually older than 40. I at that time was 26 years old. Imagine how I felt. Not only did I was consider a "special case" but I was going to be put on the most intense ivf protocol that's out there and that it is usually given to women who are about 15 years older than I was.
I want this child so bad, I love this child so bad that I am willing to do anything and everything that I can to help my chances. So the next days after the negative beta I spent $200 worth of supplements and I have been taking them eve since. I recently started acupuncture which is not covered by my current insurance and that about $80 a week ($200 first consultation). My husband and I also recently came back from Mexico. We are trying to be less stress, enjoying us, while getting ready for the 3rd and FINAL round of IVF. I am also going to the gym and eating healthier. I have lost a total of 10 pounds and am planning to loose another 10 before our next round.
My faith is getting stronger little by little. My husband and I are planning to go to church tomorrow for the first time in a very long time. I know that this will help me find peace, heal my relationship with GOD, and strengthen my faith while becoming a stronger individual.
Thank you for taking your time and reading my blog.
Love Always,
Gissell