Not long ago, 4 months to be exact, I had just found out that my 2nd IVF was a failed cycle. One hundred twenty three days ago, I received the phone call with the BETA results. Just one day before my pregnancy blood test I made a quick run the my local pharmacy and bought a pregnancy test simply because I just didn't feel pregnant, at least not like my first embryo transfer. On my way to the pharmacy I phoned my husband and told him what I was about to do. He just kept telling me to think positive, but I just couldn't when my body just felt empty. I took the test which was negative and let my husband know. He talked about how there are cases where the HPT's are wrong or maybe my HCG levels aren't as high for the at home pregnancy test to pick them up.
My heart wanted to believe my husband and have the faith that maybe my blood test will show that I was indeed pregnant, but my brain knew, and I knew deep down inside, that I was just empty. But I still held on to that last bit of hope that I had, went to my pregnancy blood work appointment and waited for the call back home. On my way home from the clinic I just prayed for a miracle. My husband and I had a plan, I was a summer break, so my husband decided to get out of work early to listen to the results together. My phone rang, and it was my clinic with my results. My husband was not home yet so I let it go to voicemail. I was shaking and crying. The 10 longest minutesof my life were those 10 minutes that I waited for my husband to get home and all I could do was stare at my voice message without pressing the play button. I got another call, from my clinic, and I just knew that my results were negative and they were calling to set up a WTF appointment and discuss my failed cycle. My husband wasn't home but I just answered the phone. Sure enough, it was a failed cycle.
My husband got home about 30 minutes too late and I shared the news that I was right and that I was empty again. He was sad, I cried, and cried, and cried some more. But then I got up, researched online, spoke with some of my IVF sisters from instagram, and spent a total of $200 on supplements to get me ready for my next and FINAL round of IVF. About 2 weeks later we met with my doctor to discuss the failed cycle and I let my husband do all the talking while I just cried. She said that since I only had 1 more opportunity to try IVF with our insurance that an egg donor was always an option. I wasn't ready to hear those words, although I've thought about it, but I just wasn't ready to give up on me or my body or my faith. The reason why I felt that way was because I was once pregnant, with my own eggs, so I know that it can and it WILL happen again just that this time it will end up with the birth of my healthy baby/ies. So I let my doctor know how I felt. She mentioned how I was a special case because I am just not reacting how they expected and have never seen anything like it. I told her that we wanted to try another time using my eggs and that we are willing to try anything and everything. She mentioned using HGH (Human Growth Hormone) and the most intense IVF protocol out there.
So here I am, exactly 4 months later, 13 pounds lighter, taking a bunch of good quality supplements for the past 4 months, doing acupuncture (out of pocket) for the last 2, going to church without a miss for the last month and a half, and I am just 1 month away from starting our 3rd and FINAL round of IVF that will give us our take home baby. My faith is so much stronger than ever and I know I will become pregnant and have babies of my own. I still don't know how I will get there, either through IVF or naturally, either way, it will be because of our Lord.
Now I would like to discuss something magical that happened to me while at church. About 3 weeks ago I had a beautiful experience where I was prayed for, prayed for my miracle, and I got up crying, crying and smiling so big because God let me know that I was going to be a mother. My husband asked why I was crying, and all I told him was that I was crying because I was happy, because I was going to have our baby soon. After church I told my family that I was going to preach in that church and that I was going to preach my testimony.
Fast-forward about 2 weeks later, I was looking forward to going to church the following Sunday. The Saturday before I got sick with a fever and I cried because I was really looking forward to going to church the next day and I honestly felt as if it was something or someone preventing me from going to church and that that's why I was so sick. The next day, Sunday, I wake up, felt really tired and weak, but got ready to go to church. I took my temperature and I had a fever of almost 101. I called my mother who was already at church giving classes and asked her what I should do. She said "Gissell, follow your heart." That's exactly what I did, although my body was telling me to stay in bed, I went to church, with a fever. God put that fire in me to go to church that day for a reason. Well, the woman that preached last week was 7 weeks pregnant and the next day after she preached she started miscarrying. The pastor called her up to the altar and prayed for her while everyone was standing near the altar. When the pastor mentioned what had happened to her I just had this feeling that I had to go hug her. I walked through the crowds, the pastor saw me, smiled, and moved out of the way so that I can join her and hug her. And we both just cried and hugged each other in front of everyone.
I feel so blessed already, and although I know I have a lot to change, I also know that God is with me already. I feel so at peace and know that God is working on my miracle.
I am not giving up ladies, not on me, my body, my family, and most important, I am not giving up on the Lord.
And again, thank you so much for taking your time and reading my blog!
XOXO Always,
Gigi
My heart wanted to believe my husband and have the faith that maybe my blood test will show that I was indeed pregnant, but my brain knew, and I knew deep down inside, that I was just empty. But I still held on to that last bit of hope that I had, went to my pregnancy blood work appointment and waited for the call back home. On my way home from the clinic I just prayed for a miracle. My husband and I had a plan, I was a summer break, so my husband decided to get out of work early to listen to the results together. My phone rang, and it was my clinic with my results. My husband was not home yet so I let it go to voicemail. I was shaking and crying. The 10 longest minutesof my life were those 10 minutes that I waited for my husband to get home and all I could do was stare at my voice message without pressing the play button. I got another call, from my clinic, and I just knew that my results were negative and they were calling to set up a WTF appointment and discuss my failed cycle. My husband wasn't home but I just answered the phone. Sure enough, it was a failed cycle.
My husband got home about 30 minutes too late and I shared the news that I was right and that I was empty again. He was sad, I cried, and cried, and cried some more. But then I got up, researched online, spoke with some of my IVF sisters from instagram, and spent a total of $200 on supplements to get me ready for my next and FINAL round of IVF. About 2 weeks later we met with my doctor to discuss the failed cycle and I let my husband do all the talking while I just cried. She said that since I only had 1 more opportunity to try IVF with our insurance that an egg donor was always an option. I wasn't ready to hear those words, although I've thought about it, but I just wasn't ready to give up on me or my body or my faith. The reason why I felt that way was because I was once pregnant, with my own eggs, so I know that it can and it WILL happen again just that this time it will end up with the birth of my healthy baby/ies. So I let my doctor know how I felt. She mentioned how I was a special case because I am just not reacting how they expected and have never seen anything like it. I told her that we wanted to try another time using my eggs and that we are willing to try anything and everything. She mentioned using HGH (Human Growth Hormone) and the most intense IVF protocol out there.
So here I am, exactly 4 months later, 13 pounds lighter, taking a bunch of good quality supplements for the past 4 months, doing acupuncture (out of pocket) for the last 2, going to church without a miss for the last month and a half, and I am just 1 month away from starting our 3rd and FINAL round of IVF that will give us our take home baby. My faith is so much stronger than ever and I know I will become pregnant and have babies of my own. I still don't know how I will get there, either through IVF or naturally, either way, it will be because of our Lord.
Now I would like to discuss something magical that happened to me while at church. About 3 weeks ago I had a beautiful experience where I was prayed for, prayed for my miracle, and I got up crying, crying and smiling so big because God let me know that I was going to be a mother. My husband asked why I was crying, and all I told him was that I was crying because I was happy, because I was going to have our baby soon. After church I told my family that I was going to preach in that church and that I was going to preach my testimony.
Fast-forward about 2 weeks later, I was looking forward to going to church the following Sunday. The Saturday before I got sick with a fever and I cried because I was really looking forward to going to church the next day and I honestly felt as if it was something or someone preventing me from going to church and that that's why I was so sick. The next day, Sunday, I wake up, felt really tired and weak, but got ready to go to church. I took my temperature and I had a fever of almost 101. I called my mother who was already at church giving classes and asked her what I should do. She said "Gissell, follow your heart." That's exactly what I did, although my body was telling me to stay in bed, I went to church, with a fever. God put that fire in me to go to church that day for a reason. Well, the woman that preached last week was 7 weeks pregnant and the next day after she preached she started miscarrying. The pastor called her up to the altar and prayed for her while everyone was standing near the altar. When the pastor mentioned what had happened to her I just had this feeling that I had to go hug her. I walked through the crowds, the pastor saw me, smiled, and moved out of the way so that I can join her and hug her. And we both just cried and hugged each other in front of everyone.
I feel so blessed already, and although I know I have a lot to change, I also know that God is with me already. I feel so at peace and know that God is working on my miracle.
I am not giving up ladies, not on me, my body, my family, and most important, I am not giving up on the Lord.
And again, thank you so much for taking your time and reading my blog!
XOXO Always,
Gigi