About 9 to 10 months ago, right before starting my IVF journey I bought 2 journals. One of the journals was for me to write down anything and everything about my IVF process, including the dreaded 2WW and its symptoms. The other journal is I started to write letters for my children. I plan on giving them my journal once they are ready to start a family of their own. But there's one problem; I stopped writing the day after I found out I had lost my pregnancy during our first ultrasound.
Today is the first day, since the horrible news, that I open both journals. My journal, the one where I wrote all about my IVF process and symptoms, ends with the date May 21st, 2014, and it reads "no sac, hcg dropped." The other journal, the one with the letters for my children, ends with the date April 14, 2014 (1 week or so before my transfer). Part of the last letter reads "For the first time ever, in this journey, your father and I had an argument about who will sleep next to you when you are in your bassinet."
It was extremely hard for me to look at these journals. I would pass by them every day and just try to ignore them, and avoid looking at them. During those times, it was just too painful because when I would write in those journals I felt so excited for what was to come and that all ended when my pregnancy ended. After looking at the journals today and actually going through them, I felt sad, yes, but I am ok. For many months while I was angry at God, I avoided those journals at all cost, now, with God, I had the strength to look at them and go to that last page. Although I am not ready to go back to writing letters for my children, I know I will be there soon and I can continue on writing letters to them. I want my children to know how they came into this world and how loved they were before they were even created. I have so much love for them already that my heart is ready to explode.
I recently got home from church and I just have this peace, and this trust that some day soon, I will be a mother. I still don't know when yet, but I have a great feeling, that in the year 2015, I will be holding my precious gift from God in my arms. Right now, as I update my blog, God is working on my miracle and he has chosen the perfect time for it to arrive.
"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." ~ Psalm 37:4
Thank you as always for taking your time and reading my blog!
Love Always,
Gissell
Today is the first day, since the horrible news, that I open both journals. My journal, the one where I wrote all about my IVF process and symptoms, ends with the date May 21st, 2014, and it reads "no sac, hcg dropped." The other journal, the one with the letters for my children, ends with the date April 14, 2014 (1 week or so before my transfer). Part of the last letter reads "For the first time ever, in this journey, your father and I had an argument about who will sleep next to you when you are in your bassinet."
It was extremely hard for me to look at these journals. I would pass by them every day and just try to ignore them, and avoid looking at them. During those times, it was just too painful because when I would write in those journals I felt so excited for what was to come and that all ended when my pregnancy ended. After looking at the journals today and actually going through them, I felt sad, yes, but I am ok. For many months while I was angry at God, I avoided those journals at all cost, now, with God, I had the strength to look at them and go to that last page. Although I am not ready to go back to writing letters for my children, I know I will be there soon and I can continue on writing letters to them. I want my children to know how they came into this world and how loved they were before they were even created. I have so much love for them already that my heart is ready to explode.
I recently got home from church and I just have this peace, and this trust that some day soon, I will be a mother. I still don't know when yet, but I have a great feeling, that in the year 2015, I will be holding my precious gift from God in my arms. Right now, as I update my blog, God is working on my miracle and he has chosen the perfect time for it to arrive.
"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." ~ Psalm 37:4
Thank you as always for taking your time and reading my blog!
Love Always,
Gissell